I think Microsoft is a pretty cool guy. Eh ignores PC Gamers and doesnt afraid of anything.
Lets review, shall we?
-Microsoft loves PC Gamers but cannot be bothered to sell us new games. If we are lucky we are rewarded with terrible ports that run slow, even on modern hardware, they really care about us guys. They've been telling us so for the last seven years, any day now...
-Microsoft loves us so much they will port old games to Steam! Games we already paid for are ready for us to purchase again!
-Microsoft understands that we want Halo on PC:
(...but we do not deserve it and the time is not right, nor will it ever be)
Introducing Halo Combat Evolved PC; a game that will run like molasses on pretty much any PC at time of release.
Introducing Halo Custom Edition; we apologize for getting your hopes up, it was actually Gearbox who created Custom Edition....without them we never would have released such an awesome Editing Kit, in fact we never would have provided any HEK what-so-ever. They really made us look bad by giving the player so much power and we are very sorry for it. The fan should never be able to make his own encounters, what were they thinking? How are we supposed to charge for DLC when the fans can just make their own assets? No, this will not fly, next time we will lock that Editing Kit down, we promise.
Introducing Halo 2 Vista; such an amazing port it requires hardware from the future to get a decent frame rate. Now you can pay more to play online, now you can make new maps and weapons and, oh wait, we decided to lobotomize the Halo 2 Editing Kit because reasons that we will never speak of publicly. Ah but we did include nudity in the final code, thats right, now when you try and learn how to make a map you will be rewarded with a Microsoft employees behind. Another satisfied customer. The fun doesn't end there, we vow to shut down the team behind the game almost immediately. And when the game crashing starts, we will straight out ignore it, we won't even patch it out even when you supply us the exact details on said crash. That is our guarantee to ignore you; the customer.
Never thinking towards the future; we put Vista in the title so as to further confuse our customers. Now users of Windows 7 & 8 will not even think the game works on their OS, genius! Then we limited the amount of activations per PC so you have the option of buying the game again, weeee! Then we broke Mic support, and we swear; we will never fix it. When you call our support line you can talk to an automated voice, neat-o! AND, if you get a real employee to talk to you they will lie to you, making up stories about future Halo PC titles that will never really come out, we are so classy.
Introducing Halo: Spartan Assault; a Halo game lacking the Master Chief, a decent story, any connection to previous Halo PC releases, or FPS mechanics in general. Co-Op? Who needs that garbage? PC gamers don't play local or online co-op...why would they want this feature, co-op is the kind of thing that can only be done on inferior hardware with a TV and a sofa. PC Gamers lack sofas and TVs, everyone knows that. Psssh, a PC Gamer with friends and a gamepad...?...noob please.
We put XBox on the PC, but minus the games! We know you want the games, but no! Just no.
-Microsoft loves us so much they want to keep G4WL around, not in any usable condition mind you. Now, for the first time ever, you will be able to connect to the G4WL Marketplace and not have the ability to download any of our Halo PC games because we never bothered to make digital download versions of them. No, that would make it far too easy and make too much sense. Here at Microsoft we are committed to over-promising and under-delivering. Have you ever heard the phrase, "to pull a Molyneux."? We owned that guy until even he could not stand the intoxicating levels of incompetence, pandering, and double-speak leaking from our collective asshole mouthpiece.
Even our own studios are jumping ship to Steam, but you wouldn't know it if you just listen to what our Marketing Team has to say. We are into PC Gaming for the long haul, balls deep baby! New game releases to be announced....eventually....perhaps in a few years.
Clarity is only for Xbox users. Nothing but misdirection and shadow puppets for the PC Elitists!
"When 343 says that the have no plans for releasing it on pc they mean microsoft doesnt let us because halo is the only thing that sells xbox. It aint gonna happen, stop asking go play your other pc master race games."
-A real anonymous Halo (XBox) Fan
-Microsoft is so into PC Gaming, like whoa, its so cool, we made XBox 360 Gamepads work with Windows! A gamepad on a PC, its unheard of! Good luck finding a first party wireless dongle sucker. Hey, remember that SideWinder line of PC gamepads, joysticks, and other gaming accessories we used to make? And then we discontinued support for most of them and the drivers? Yeah that never happened, don't talk about it. But look, we took all that research and made the XBox gamepad (AKA the Duke). What an innovation!
-Microsoft is proud to introduce the XBox One Gamepad drivers for Windows PCs! Enjoy your games like never before; wireless support! Who needs that? Games to play, who needs that? Look if you want games we have all the games on XBox, why would anyone want to play games on a PC?
Behold an enigma
A wireless gamepad that cannot be used without a mini-USB cable thus negating the entire point of a wireless controller.
A Surface PC without Disc Drive running Halo 2 Vista: Super Cool Guy Edition (aka Bastard Child Edition)
Who needs wireless? Who needs a player base? Who plays on PC anyways?
No, the only reason for PCs is to hide at E3 and pretend they are consoles. It is known. They hide in the back of the building where they belong.
-Microsoft is amazed with PC Gaming and has reaffirmed their commitment for the last seven years. Thats a long time and shows they really care, it is also Bungie's magic number and not ironic at all. Not even a little.
-Microsoft is severely (insanely even) proud to announce.....nothing for PC gamers at E3, like ever. You see, PC Games are not welcome at E3. E3 is for consoles, didn't you get the memo?
-Microsoft is going to release a remake of a port of an update to the first Fable. Thats right; you can re-buy and replay the same game from 10 years ago! Now with more random crashing and glitches that were not even in the original. Who needs sequels? Cowabunga dudes! Enjoy playing with your old toys, oh and PC Gamers, no new presents for Christmas, but....maybe next year, or even the year after.
Bungie co-founder: "Nobody wants to" play FPS games with mouse and keyboard
"We limited players to two weapons, we gave them recharging health, we automatically saved and restored the game -- almost heretical things to first-person shooters at the time. We made the game run without a mouse and keyboard. And now nobody plays shooters the way they used to play them before Halo 'cause nobody wants to."
-Jason Jones of Bungie
The wrong way!
The right way!
“Hardly anyone plays first-person shooters on the PC anymore.”
-Kudo Tsunoda of Microsoft’s Kinect Team
This seems like a good time to remind you that...I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Where do you want to go today?
Hey who likes ads everywhere? We know you do, so we put more ads in our ads so you can enjoy our ads even more.
XBOX / XBOX 360 / XBOX ONE / XBOX 063 / XOBX? It seems pretty obvious when you think about it.
*Actual photo of a smuck face businessman who makes big promises but never delivers.
Are you proud of me now ma?
This Public Service Rant brought to you by the fine people of H2MT.
Lets review, shall we?
-Microsoft loves PC Gamers but cannot be bothered to sell us new games. If we are lucky we are rewarded with terrible ports that run slow, even on modern hardware, they really care about us guys. They've been telling us so for the last seven years, any day now...
-Microsoft loves us so much they will port old games to Steam! Games we already paid for are ready for us to purchase again!
-Microsoft understands that we want Halo on PC:
(...but we do not deserve it and the time is not right, nor will it ever be)
Introducing Halo Combat Evolved PC; a game that will run like molasses on pretty much any PC at time of release.
Introducing Halo Custom Edition; we apologize for getting your hopes up, it was actually Gearbox who created Custom Edition....without them we never would have released such an awesome Editing Kit, in fact we never would have provided any HEK what-so-ever. They really made us look bad by giving the player so much power and we are very sorry for it. The fan should never be able to make his own encounters, what were they thinking? How are we supposed to charge for DLC when the fans can just make their own assets? No, this will not fly, next time we will lock that Editing Kit down, we promise.
Introducing Halo 2 Vista; such an amazing port it requires hardware from the future to get a decent frame rate. Now you can pay more to play online, now you can make new maps and weapons and, oh wait, we decided to lobotomize the Halo 2 Editing Kit because reasons that we will never speak of publicly. Ah but we did include nudity in the final code, thats right, now when you try and learn how to make a map you will be rewarded with a Microsoft employees behind. Another satisfied customer. The fun doesn't end there, we vow to shut down the team behind the game almost immediately. And when the game crashing starts, we will straight out ignore it, we won't even patch it out even when you supply us the exact details on said crash. That is our guarantee to ignore you; the customer.
Never thinking towards the future; we put Vista in the title so as to further confuse our customers. Now users of Windows 7 & 8 will not even think the game works on their OS, genius! Then we limited the amount of activations per PC so you have the option of buying the game again, weeee! Then we broke Mic support, and we swear; we will never fix it. When you call our support line you can talk to an automated voice, neat-o! AND, if you get a real employee to talk to you they will lie to you, making up stories about future Halo PC titles that will never really come out, we are so classy.
Introducing Halo: Spartan Assault; a Halo game lacking the Master Chief, a decent story, any connection to previous Halo PC releases, or FPS mechanics in general. Co-Op? Who needs that garbage? PC gamers don't play local or online co-op...why would they want this feature, co-op is the kind of thing that can only be done on inferior hardware with a TV and a sofa. PC Gamers lack sofas and TVs, everyone knows that. Psssh, a PC Gamer with friends and a gamepad...?...noob please.
We put XBox on the PC, but minus the games! We know you want the games, but no! Just no.
-Microsoft loves us so much they want to keep G4WL around, not in any usable condition mind you. Now, for the first time ever, you will be able to connect to the G4WL Marketplace and not have the ability to download any of our Halo PC games because we never bothered to make digital download versions of them. No, that would make it far too easy and make too much sense. Here at Microsoft we are committed to over-promising and under-delivering. Have you ever heard the phrase, "to pull a Molyneux."? We owned that guy until even he could not stand the intoxicating levels of incompetence, pandering, and double-speak leaking from our collective asshole mouthpiece.
Even our own studios are jumping ship to Steam, but you wouldn't know it if you just listen to what our Marketing Team has to say. We are into PC Gaming for the long haul, balls deep baby! New game releases to be announced....eventually....perhaps in a few years.
Clarity is only for Xbox users. Nothing but misdirection and shadow puppets for the PC Elitists!
"When 343 says that the have no plans for releasing it on pc they mean microsoft doesnt let us because halo is the only thing that sells xbox. It aint gonna happen, stop asking go play your other pc master race games."
-A real anonymous Halo (XBox) Fan
-Microsoft is so into PC Gaming, like whoa, its so cool, we made XBox 360 Gamepads work with Windows! A gamepad on a PC, its unheard of! Good luck finding a first party wireless dongle sucker. Hey, remember that SideWinder line of PC gamepads, joysticks, and other gaming accessories we used to make? And then we discontinued support for most of them and the drivers? Yeah that never happened, don't talk about it. But look, we took all that research and made the XBox gamepad (AKA the Duke). What an innovation!
-Microsoft is proud to introduce the XBox One Gamepad drivers for Windows PCs! Enjoy your games like never before; wireless support! Who needs that? Games to play, who needs that? Look if you want games we have all the games on XBox, why would anyone want to play games on a PC?
Behold an enigma
A wireless gamepad that cannot be used without a mini-USB cable thus negating the entire point of a wireless controller.
A Surface PC without Disc Drive running Halo 2 Vista: Super Cool Guy Edition (aka Bastard Child Edition)
Who needs wireless? Who needs a player base? Who plays on PC anyways?
No, the only reason for PCs is to hide at E3 and pretend they are consoles. It is known. They hide in the back of the building where they belong.
-Microsoft is amazed with PC Gaming and has reaffirmed their commitment for the last seven years. Thats a long time and shows they really care, it is also Bungie's magic number and not ironic at all. Not even a little.
-Microsoft is severely (insanely even) proud to announce.....nothing for PC gamers at E3, like ever. You see, PC Games are not welcome at E3. E3 is for consoles, didn't you get the memo?
-Microsoft is going to release a remake of a port of an update to the first Fable. Thats right; you can re-buy and replay the same game from 10 years ago! Now with more random crashing and glitches that were not even in the original. Who needs sequels? Cowabunga dudes! Enjoy playing with your old toys, oh and PC Gamers, no new presents for Christmas, but....maybe next year, or even the year after.
Bungie co-founder: "Nobody wants to" play FPS games with mouse and keyboard
"We limited players to two weapons, we gave them recharging health, we automatically saved and restored the game -- almost heretical things to first-person shooters at the time. We made the game run without a mouse and keyboard. And now nobody plays shooters the way they used to play them before Halo 'cause nobody wants to."
-Jason Jones of Bungie
The wrong way!
The right way!
“Hardly anyone plays first-person shooters on the PC anymore.”
-Kudo Tsunoda of Microsoft’s Kinect Team
This seems like a good time to remind you that...I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Where do you want to go today?
Hey who likes ads everywhere? We know you do, so we put more ads in our ads so you can enjoy our ads even more.
XBOX / XBOX 360 / XBOX ONE / XBOX 063 / XOBX? It seems pretty obvious when you think about it.
*Actual photo of a smuck face businessman who makes big promises but never delivers.
Are you proud of me now ma?
This Public Service Rant brought to you by the fine people of H2MT.
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